feminish

Today I have started a five-day fast.

This morning I drank a glass of the grape-juice I made yesterday and this afternoon I ate quite a few hot blue-black grapes from the vine. I began the day with a few ume-bosis (pickled plums from Japan), to flush-out my system a little.

A few years ago I thought I would never be able to fast. Having not-eaten for a year or so when I was younger, I was worried I could never fast in the calm, clear and free way that, for example, an experienced meditation practitioner can. Like breasts which have lost their form a little from yo-yoing weight, it was one of the consequences of troubled womanhood I’d come to accept - bravely, with a set jaw.

I was afraid that for me fasting would immediately be about control, about achieving and about body-weight. And so, for five years of summer meditation retreats I have avoided fasting - or, rather, just enjoyed the delicious Immanent Grove food without regret.

These past few months, though, with my practice of mindfulness and pausing in awareness (when I remembered and when I was calm enough not to be in a hurry) before serving food and eating, I started to see what a stressful relationship I have with food. I noticed that I in fact have an entire and elaborate internal-monologue whizzing back and forth around my head every time there’s a decision to be made about eating. Is this too much, or not too much? Do I deserve this or should I feel guilty? Is this allowed? Is this naughty? Am I being greedy?

Only recently have I recognised my internal monologue and started to replace the words with more helpful ones. So I try to ask myself, Will this make me feel better? Is this what I really want? What does my body tell me when I look at this food? Does it want it or not?

This may sound excessive for those who are at peace with eating. Yet I really do experience this amount of thought and angst. But it’s only when I follow my breath and feel how rooted my feet are to the ground, that I can eliminate a lot of external and internal distractions and really hear what’s going on inside.

In July I fasted for one day. I felt instantly freed from the stressful web of to-eat or not-to-eat, this-much or not-this-much. I had a little peace, for one day. And I learnt a lot about my relationship with food and how I can begin to calm and quieten it. The first few meals after the fast were an entirely different experience - I felt much freer and calmer towards the food, and real gratitude.

So now I am fasting to enjoy that peace for a little longer and to see myself a little clearer.

Today I have started a five-day fast.

This morning I drank a glass of the grape-juice I made yesterday and this afternoon I ate quite a few hot blue-black grapes from the vine. I began the day with a few ume-bosis (pickled plums from Japan), to flush-out my system a little.

A few years ago I thought I would never be able to fast. Having not-eaten for a year or so when I was younger, I was worried I could never fast in the calm, clear and free way that, for example, an experienced meditation practitioner can. Like breasts which have lost their form a little from yo-yoing weight, it was one of the consequences of troubled womanhood I’d come to accept - bravely, with a set jaw.

I was afraid that for me fasting would immediately be about control, about achieving and about body-weight. And so, for five years of summer meditation retreats I have avoided fasting - or, rather, just enjoyed the delicious Immanent Grove food without regret.

These past few months, though, with my practice of mindfulness and pausing in awareness (when I remembered and when I was calm enough not to be in a hurry) before serving food and eating, I started to see what a stressful relationship I have with food. I noticed that I in fact have an entire and elaborate internal-monologue whizzing back and forth around my head every time there’s a decision to be made about eating. Is this too much, or not too much? Do I deserve this or should I feel guilty? Is this allowed? Is this naughty? Am I being greedy?

Only recently have I recognised my internal monologue and started to replace the words with more helpful ones. So I try to ask myself, Will this make me feel better? Is this what I really want? What does my body tell me when I look at this food? Does it want it or not?

This may sound excessive for those who are at peace with eating. Yet I really do experience this amount of thought and angst. But it’s only when I follow my breath and feel how rooted my feet are to the ground, that I can eliminate a lot of external and internal distractions and really hear what’s going on inside.

In July I fasted for one day. I felt instantly freed from the stressful web of to-eat or not-to-eat, this-much or not-this-much. I had a little peace, for one day. And I learnt a lot about my relationship with food and how I can begin to calm and quieten it. The first few meals after the fast were an entirely different experience - I felt much freer and calmer towards the food, and real gratitude.

So now I am fasting to enjoy that peace for a little longer and to see myself a little clearer.